Texting Boogers, Warcrafts & Mother-in-Laws

It's disgusting. I hope we citizens of the world someday find a reason to make texting illegal. I'm constantly looking at my phone to see if the little orb on the bottom is glowing with a pulsing white light, the signal that I have a new message. Some sick and twisted engineer cell phone designer monster at HTC decided it would be cute to make me wait NINE whole seconds between flashes, so I'm constantly looking over at my phone for nine seconds at a time. Every nine seconds I am disappointed.
-Some Ironic Title

The man having heard the boy's question turned toward us and removed his finger from his nose. He examined his finger and held it out for the boy to see. "The nose, boy. That's where boogers come from. You better teach that fella 'bout them bodily functions, lady or he ain't gonna turn out right." He then took his hand and rubbed it on his chest, clutched his beer and left us standing there in a world of disbelief. The silence was only broken when the young boy turned to his mother and said this: "Mommy, that man was gross! I don't wanna learn about bodily functions if I have to do that."
-Reflections on a Middle-Aged Fat Woman

Oh the VIP scene. Don’t get me wrong, going into this event I was totally all, ‘Dude these old guys better show up to this meet and greet bullshit. I’m getting my moneys worth.’ (Jew moment?) But what really got me were the people who spent the entire 2 hours making laps around the buffet tables. No lie, a woman actually put a lobster roll IN HER PURSE for later. Wait, what? I mean, I must have been seeing things. First of all, that’s gross. And also, that’s fucking gross.
-Confessions of a 20-Something Female

Don’t say “Hey babe, come and check this out” and then show us your stupid warlock or whatever the hell you’ve created on World of Warcraft, or how well you kill zombies on your xbox game. It’s bad enough that you’re a grown man playing video games. Please don’t further diminish our opinions of your intelligence by pointing it out to us. Plus, we really just don’t care about it. Let’s just continue to pretend we don’t see you playing your games, and you can pretend you don’t see us bringing yet another pair of shoes into the house.

-Men Are Dumb, and I Should Know

Mine says things like, "My, but the baby has a big nose. Not our family nose at all! He must get it from you." And then, just as I'm about to fire off some deliciously outraged retort, this: "How nice! His nose will be distinguished! Not delicate, like Emilia's. Prominent, like yours!"

Or: "Oh, how charming that you have no problem being untidy! It must be so liberating!"

Or: "Oh, how nice that you let Kyle do all the cooking! How lovely for him to get to work on dinner while you hold the baby and do your blog! Is that what you call it? A blog?"

-The Bad Mom’s Club & Lemon Drop

I actually came out of the operating room singing. When the recovery room nurse asked me who I was, I said “Madonna.” When she repeated the question I corrected myself and told her “I know I’m not really Madonna; I’m Lady GaGa.” She asked me how I felt, and I began to sing “Like a virgin.” And then I realized she was cute, so I put my hand on her arm, and, tubes still up my nose and needles stuck into both arms, composed myself. “Just because I came out of surgery claiming to be Madonna and singing ‘Material Girl’” I reassured her “doesn’t mean I’m gay.” She laughed, and asked if I had any weaknesses. Without pause I responded “Chocolate, whiskey, and raven haired women.”

-F*cking in Brooklyn